Double Vision
by Color Me Tardis
Summary: In the end, her soul caves to the desire to be heard and she stands on achingly tired legs and recites the words meaning to be said over and over inside her own mind before finally taking the steps towards friends who aren't really friends at all.M at end


**Title: Double Vision  
Author: Me! With help from Paige ;3  
Dedication: Paige. I haven't told her but she's my muse.  
Rating: M…the end has some maturity.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone 3; ikr?  
Summary: In the end, her soul caves to the desire to be heard and she stands on achingly tired legs and recites the words meaning to be said over and over inside her own mind before finally taking the steps towards friends who aren't really friends at all.**

It's getting hard to be _someone_.

Cuddy is and always will be the foundation for everything she's ever known - but it's only a name. When she comes down to it, she's nothing more than a mere name of two syllables, harsh on the tongue and bitter like ginger. The confidence is an act, a game of dress up and pretend and make believe. Behind the desk she will always sit with a straight back, ready to fight any battle and deal with any situation given to her. Cuddy is the confident being _Lisa_ will never be. And that's why she loves Cuddy more.

Because Lisa will always be vulnerable and Cuddy will always be strong and that's a difference she can't face. Secretly, she's torn between two personalities. Everything she's ever been taught pushes her towards Lisa and yet she holds on to Cuddy for dear life.

It's getting hard to be _one person_.

She orders yet another amber colored drink to drown away her pushing and meaningless sorrow. The patrons of the bar do the same, repeating the routine until their heads are light and their hearts are thick and they fall over themselves, stricken by the amnesia the liquid provides and relieved by the sweet release they crave.

_Laughter._

Lately it has meant nothing to either part of her. For once they agree, tossing their ugly heads back and bearing they're pale throats, laughing out nothing but air as her nameless silhouette cries for something to be her own. Something solid and real instead of a name.

But that's all she is.

Cuddy is the strongest part of her mind, clear-headed and acute. The part that angers with a ferocious growl and frightening eyes and stands up for her own reputation or whatever is threatened at the present moment. Lisa is the weakest, drowning under the weight of Cuddy - barely surviving under the weight of expectation. The runt. The baby. Yet, Lisa holds the key to their future and no one is about to let her fall. Because though Cuddy is the strong woman everyone looks up to, Lisa is something more important.

Lisa is the lover.

The laughter isn't her mind mocking her pain and guilt and anguish and everything else. Two men sitting by the back of the bar are having a grand ol' time while patrons glare and mutter under their breaths, wishing the men would leave them to their hearts.

"Inconsiderate." The words tumble without a thought to them, a sign she's having too much.

"Aye, Dr. Wilson and House? Nah, House may be a bit inconsiderate but don't go talkin' on James." The bartender catches the deer-in-headlights look upon her face. "You friends with them, ma'am?"

"No."

And it's not a_ lie_.

House. She shudders at the thought of him. Cuddy will always hate him. Their work relationship is nothing more than boss and employee and she keeps him around to present as eye candy. No other hospital can have him, even if they want him. And that's what she likes. Cuddy likes toys that aren't available for any other person in the world. But that's all, he's a pawn on her chess set.

On the other hand, Lisa is in _love_ with him.

The way he solves cases even when no other person believes in him and how he gets that look on his face after he found the answer to a perplexing riddle, completely excites her. The look is one of a man coming down from an orgasm that just blew his mind and Lisa wants him over her when he gets that face. She wants to see him with that look while kissing her face and holding her hands as he falls over the steep edge.

Because Cuddy was the one who took him first.

With rough hands and harsh movements and that was okay with him because that was what he wanted too.

Because House belonged with _Cuddy_.

The realization hit Lisa hard enough to set her back a few paces. There was no love between the two, no matter how much either one of them might desire it. Lisa would never end up with Greg because House didn't let the other side rise. There wasn't a moment where Lisa was able to hold _Greg_.

Lisa would end up with James.

James and Wilson are the same man and always will be. Though at times he may present as angered or rough, James is always there to insert kindness or softness. James Wilson is soft and caring and romantic and _sane_ and it's everything Lisa _needs_.

But it doesn't appeal to _Cuddy_.

It is now that her two personalities agree again, smiling their ugly smiles and winking their stupid eyes.

They want both.

In the end, her soul caves to the desire to be heard as _Lisa Cuddy _and she stands on achingly tired legs and recites the words meaning to be said over and over inside her own mind before finally taking the steps towards friends who aren't really friends at all.

They'll never be friends; they'll always be much more, even if they refuse.

Because one thing her personalities definitely have in common:

They _never_ give up.

R&R dears? Peachykeen ;3 And tell me if this should remain a one shot or not O.o; Can't decide.


End file.
